A Modest Proposal for Easing the Burden of Social Security on Future Generations

All throughout our lives we have been told that there is a safety net for us should we meet hard times.  Should our parents die in a fire while we are still a minor or we become unemployed, there is a source of money to keep us afloat.  If your baby’s daddy leaves you or you are of retiring age, there is money for you too.  This miraculous pool of money that the poor and downtrodden can sip from is nothing other than social security.  This pool of money, since its inception in the 1930s, has remained sufficiently healthy…until now, that is.  Social security is in danger of running out of funds.  “How is this happening?” you may ponder, given how much you pay into the system yearly.

After world war two, the birth rate skyrocketed, mostly due to soldiers coming home.  This post-war boom defined a generation.  These people rejected traditional values and largely grew up in a time of government subsidies.  They also tended to think that they were special, a term many of the current youth seem to have adopted.  Because the baby boomers thought they were so different, they acted like grasshoppers, expecting to receive handouts to fulfill their needs.  This generation is now getting to old enough to retire and reap their benefits. As more and more baby boomers start collecting, social security will surely begin falling apart due to diminishing funds.  The strain to this program is due to the influx of retirees.  Others have suggested increasing the retirement age, but that only offsets the problem.  There needs to be a more permanent solution.

I have devised a way to save social security while allowing everyone who collects to continue doing so.  In order to stave off the baby boomers, I propose that we give them an alternative to the drawn-out, wrinkled, and diapered existence that is old age.  To help America, once a person decides to stop working, I modestly suggest that we also give them the opportunity to stop living.  Instead of a monthly check, people who elect the proposed alternative would receive a lump sum upfront with which they could do whatever they want for five years.  After that, they would not need the money anymore and as such, can will it to their children, grandchildren, or some other relative.  Assuming that these people would normally live to be much older than their early seventies, this alternative would greatly reduce the cost that the baby boomers are sure to have on social security.

I’m sure many of you are appalled at my suggestion, but before you disregard it entirely, I urge you to look at the benefits.  The largest government program will be saved.  People will be able to know that they are serving their country one last time and are able to go respectfully with their full mental capacity.  They will also have a large sum of money that can be used to travel the world and see natural wonders.  Five years is certainly enough time to do that.  I believe it is time for the baby boomers to show that they are not the grasshopper generation and my proposal can help them do just that.

(Disclaimer: This post is entirely fictional and does not represent the views of the author or any related entities whatsoever.  All rights reserved)


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