DISCLAIMER: THIS IS SATIRE
Let’s be honest. This past political race was exhausting. The negative campaign ads, the animalistic debates, and all of those annoying Facebook statuses that you had to deal with, it just wasn’t fair. Things used to be different back in the day. Candidates were winning elections not based on their money, but whether or not they could survive being shot during a speech. Doesn’t every American deserve a badass, rough riding President like Teddy Roosevelt? I mean come on. Why do you have to choose between a donkey and an elephant, when you can choose a bull moose? Thus, in honor of the man responsible for giving the teddy bear its name, I propose the “Bull Moose Rule.” This will make the entire political process much more bearable, and quite frankly, it will save a lot of money.
This proposal is open for suggestion, and has two possibilities, both centered around the debate system. I mean, how much money was wasted by both candidates during the campaign? After extensive research, I have found that the answer is a lot. The first proposal is simple yet revolutionary at the same time: Boxing. Yes, you read it right. Who really wants to hear candidates talking about their fiscal policies? Not me. I want to see if that guy can take a punch or if he’s got a glass jaw. Think about it. Two guys duking it out in a ring, bare knuckle boxing? It could be huge. You would have cities fighting for the chance to have this one night only event. It would be like the Super bowl; companies fighting for air time slots between rounds, ads getting reviewed the next day on the Today show. How’s that for a fiscal policy?
The second suggestion is slightly more controversial, but it would get the job done a lot quicker. Back in the day, if you didn’t like a guy, you’d challenge them to a duel. Clearly if the other guy refused, they were a coward. I mean look at Alexander Hamilton vs. Aaron Burr. That one worked out well. Sure Hamilton died, but it got him on the ten dollar bill right? And this would solve so many problems. For example, you have 8 people running for the Republican spot. Man, that’s a lot of people to have to listen too. Institute the duel clause. Boom. That number goes down. Maybe you go down to two, or one candidate. Hell maybe no one steps up for the job. Well that certainly saved a lot of money and time. Bro wasn’t a Bull Moose. Moving forward.
If that seems a little bit too extreme then fine. I can understand that. Here’s another suggestion for you. Say instead of the Presidential candidates in a duel, they elect a “champion” to represent them. To be honest, I think it should be the Vice President. Those guys are expendable anyways, right? They don’t really do anything after the president has been elected. I mean, how many times do you hear, “The Vice President is a heartbeat away from being the President?” Yea, well how much does he or she have to sacrifice? The secret service steps up and is willing to take a bullet for the president. You don’t see the VP doing that. The VP should really have to earn that responsibility. Once again, this saves a lot of money and time. Same “one night only” type of deal, just two VP’s, hanging out on stage with some 17th century hand pistols. And it doesn’t have to stop at the highest level. Institute this at the local level. You want to be my first selectman/woman? Show me what you are willing to do for me.
Now I know what you are thinking. This casual proposal is probably the greatest thing of all time, and why has no one thought of this before? Hey pal, I couldn’t agree more. Such a simple solution to one of America’s most pressing issues. Tune in next time for my proposal on why baseball players, and athletes around the world, should be FORCED to take steroids. Shouldn’t you be getting your moneys worth?